My shoulders were crunched up into my ears, my mind was racing and my blood pressure was about 7000 over one million. The light turned green but the cars were not moving. I decided they needed the gentle warning of my horn. Beep Beep. Just a little nudge, not a, I’m a Mass-hole get out of my way sort of honk or a NYC taxi driver I’m entitled to be everywhere first sort of honk. Just a gentle kind reminder sort of honk.
It turned out the traffic was backed up due to an accident up a head. My daughter and I laughed. No problem. My bad. I re-routed.
The problem was I thought we actually left the house on time this morning. I was wrong. The clock struck 820. School starts at 830. I was at least 20 minutes away. Hmmmm.
Instead of climbing on top of my mindset and affirming everything was going to be ok I decided to go with the undesirable feeling of being completely out of control. Even through all my many years of personal development, meetings, step work meditation, yoga practices and workshops I still have to make a conscious choice in each moment to be a decent, kind, compassionate loving gentle human being with myself and others .
Ahem, I should re phrase that, I GET to I get to make a conscious choice in each moment to be a kind conscious loving, gentle human being to myself and others.
But in this instance I hopped on the train of everyone is in my way, the stop lights must be broken because they are not turning green fast enough, no one on planet earth knows how to drive andtoday must be national industrial sized truck day because we were stuck behind TWO big construction trucks that ironically have those big orange signs DO NOT FOLLOW to which my daughter always asks quixotically.....Mom, what do they mean by do not follow...you have to follow them..
I know dear. I know.
It was as if Iwas operating at a quicker speed and every single particle of matter around me was operating in slow motion or worse even rewind.
My mind quivered between observing how the uncontrollable was affecting me and wanting to scream at all the cars. It was a feeling of combustion of complete lack of control which to someone like me is a trigger for many other cascades of feelings of being out of control.
I said a prayer. I tried to engage my daughter with conversation. Are you excited for school?
I couldn’t manage it. I observed myself losing my internal calm based upon the external circumstances.
I apologized to my daughter. I’m so sorry, tomorrow we will leave extra early so we are on time.
She was forgiving.
I wanted her to see me as a good example of how to remain calm even when things don’t go your way, something as small as a traffic interruption and being ten minutes late.
That is not the show she got to witness.
I managed it the best I could, I didn't;t drop any bad words, I just silently vented my frustration every few moments and tried to focus myself in the present by enjoying the scenery.
10 minutes was all it was. We left with an I love you have a good day and I zoomed off to yoga. That’s right, the real pit of the peach was that I was afraid mommy would miss her yoga class.
Do you see the layers?
Of course yoga was amazing. Amazing. And it nudged away any feeling of rush or out of control that I was previously holding onto. It restored the pathway of neurons to be set in a place ofinternalpeace and calm like gold that nothing could touch.
That is the magic of yoga.
That is the magic of my practice.
IT works when I show up for it.
The traffic in retrospect? no big deal. It just isn’t its like not even a thing.
The muscle memory of feeling, that flood of endorphins and rush of being out of control? Completely replaced by a sense of expansive loving kindness and calm.
My cells are fueled to function on love.
What a gift this practice is.
Shall I never forgot the power of practice and it is an ever changing practice no matter how many years I have practiced. I will forever be humbled by its effectiveness at soothing the torments of my disillusioned my and unhinged heart.
The breath is the magic.
The savasana is the magic.
Just being me, in my body showing up. Who I am and how I am.
Thank You yoga.
May I always remember.